Filofax Addiction

I work in health care and have seen the effects of many types of addiction. Addiction causes us to react in different ways. Some with compassion for those who cannot fight the temptation. Others with contempt for what they view as a weakness. I find difficult to remain dispassionate about addiction because I, too, suffer from a form of it. Mine does not cause me to steal or beg to fuel my habit but I have come dangerously close to maxing out my American Express card. I am a Filofax addict. It has been three days since I received my last Filofax in the mail and already I am jonesing for another. It was a Malden personal size in Ochre. Or brown, as we say here in the south. I heard someone from my region of the world call the color Okra and spent quite a few minutes coughing and sputtering (I was enjoying a glass of wine until I inhaled it). Another symptom of the addiction, I've discovered, is the obsession with watching the un-boxing and decorating videos that the other afflicted upload onto YouTube.

I don't know what it is ahout these binders that make them so appealing. Perhaps it is the softness of the leather or the way they smell. It certainly isn't because I'm an organization freak. I'm very likely the most disorganized person on the earth. I ordered my first Filo because I thought spending that much would help me use it consistently and I would learn to be more organized and efficient. I also use and iPad and and iPhone and still run late to meetings and usually send bills in at the very last minute. It's not a nice feeling. Instead of helping me become organized, it awoke a demon of need within me. One that looks at YouTube videos and growls "I want that". It nags and nags until I can't stand it anymore and buy what it's demanding. Once the package arrives, it appears happy for a few minutes until it sees something new and begins the cycle all over again.Of course, that's just addictive personality hyperbole. The "demon" is me. I'm the one who can't control myself when I see a new product. Or one that's half-priced. But honestly, who can?

There should be a twelve step program for Filofax addiction. Perhaps even a treatment center. Once that requires addicts to admit they have a problem, acknowledge a higher power (Filofax Corporate Office), and make amends for any indiscretions their addictions have caused them to make. I know I need to apologize to my coworker for dragging her into my dark and seedy world of binder coveting. She trying to steal my A5 Purple Malden. I saw her eyeing it earlier. I told her I'd cut her if she tried but she's small and quick and ballsy. She might just try despite my threats. Sigh, as you can see, addiction can cause even the most rational mind, which I admit I am not, to become paranoid and fearful. But she really is trying to steal "Big Purple".

In all seriousness, I've enjoyed my foray into the Filofax world. I do prefer to write things down and I know I can use these beautiful binders for a variety of purposes (which is convenient as I've bought a variety of binders).

Take it From Me

I've been sick for the past week. I admit, I put off going to the doctor because I kept thinking I would get better. We've all done that, right? Well, I finally go and think that, because I'm a nurse, the doctor can trust that I know what I'm talking about and am not just trying to cop a thrill by whining about my illness. I mean, really! I don't enjoy being sick. Anyway, I describe my symptoms and ask for his professional opinion. "Don't you think I need some antibiotics?" "No," he says. "This is viral. You need rest and fluids and you'll be fine."

Now, I'd like to argue, but I'm thinking this is a professional physician, who has listened attentively to what I've said and he's given his honest opinion. Yeah right. I think he was in a hurry to get to the next exam room. And as I was in a hurry to get to an interview, I allowed it to slip by without a comment. So now, it's two days later, I'm sicker than I was, I have lost my voice, and been forced to call in sick to work. I somehow feel if I'd pressed for the antibiotics, I would have started feeling better and not lost my voice.

And don't get me started on the cough medicine. It's Hycodan. It has codeine in it. Take one teaspoon every 4 to 6 hours for cough, the label reads. Nice. Except it doesn't work. I tried that. I tried that all night for the first night before giving up and sucking down a bag of Halls. So today, a nurse friend of mine suggests that I either, be more liberal in my dosing or ask for something stronger. As I can't talk, I opted for the liberal dosing. You're seeing the edited version of this. Ha, I've fallen asleep once while typing.

I guessed I'm "morally outraged" by healthcare's stubborn insistence to ignore the patient's opinion and insights. I'm a nurse, I know I do it too. But when the shoes on the other foot, it pisses me off. I don't seek drugs. I don't waste my doctor's time with hypochondria. I am compliant with my meds. I am honestly looking for helpful advice. Why do I get lumped in with the drug-seeking lay-abouts who line his office? Perhaps it is the physicians code of not listening to nurses? Whatever the reason, I am sitting here with nasal cavities crammed full of snot (that's greeny brown), a nasty cough that occasionally makes me gag and vomit, and no voice to scream about the injustice of it all. Hence the post. No real point. Just felt like bitching.

When will it end?

I work in healthcare, in a hospital that still makes a profit, yet has laid off about 10% of its workforce to stay lean and maintain a good bond rating. I understand that it's all about the money. Money makes the world go round. I really do get it. But, we are cutting staff, increasing nurse-patient ratios, and spending money on questionable improvements (a medication administration system that doesn't half work and takes twice as long). How are we going to maintain our current level of patient satisfaction? How are we going to keep from killing people?

This weekend, a patient was rushed to the cath lab, intubated, place on the balloon pump and then sent to CICU, all because the problem wasn't caught earlier. That's not to say that she wouldn't have ended up in this very same situation, but maybe, if we'd caught it sooner, she could have gotten treatment sooner and avoided the vent and balloon pump. In this case, we'll never know. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Nurses are stretched beyond their capability. We have a state board, but they have no real authority over the hospital. It is our administrators who tell us how many patients we have and what systems we will use to care for them.

I see it getting worse. As healthcare expenses skyrocket, and they always do, hospitals are looking for ways to cut costs and they always cut staff first. Why is that? We might be the greatest percentage of the budget, but there's a good reason for that, we do the work! I'm not an economist, I don't pretend to be a financial genius, and I'm only a few classes into my master's in healthcare administration, but I can see that cutting back on your most valuable resource in order to save money is foolish. You may save in the short run, but the long term effects will be disastrous.

I worry for my job. I worry for my patients. I worry for the future of healthcare. I no longer see it as the difference between American healthcare and European healthcare (which up to now has been inferior), but it could be the end of healthcare as we know it. What will we do when hospitals can no longer stay open? Personally, I don't do this for free. I require a paycheck, and when that stops, I stop nursing and look for other employment. So when my salary falls, or my job at the hospital is cut, I'm out. I will no longer be serving my community as a nurse. I'm not the only one who feels like this, and without American nurses, America is dead in the water. So my question is, when will this end? And what will we look like when it does?